feeling lucky

I love contests. Not the kind that involve skill, the kind that involve chance. Crazy, lovable, random chance. So I enter contests to win a new kitchen, new luggage, trips to warm places, Mario Batali cookware, a year's worth of Alpine Lace cheese, batteries, 25 gallons of paint, and Greenie dog chews, to name just a few choice prizes I've pursued.

I recently entered a contest every single day for 48 days hoping to win a dream house in Sonoma (that's it above). I was so sure I was going to win that one. Every time I closed my eyes I could see myself wearing a cute outfit, sitting in a comfy chair on the porch of my shiny new $2 million Victorian-style farm house, admiring the shiny new GMC Acadia Crossover that came with it, soaking up the California sunshine and sipping the yummy wine that flowed straight out of my kitchen faucet. I'm pretty sure the wine comes out of the faucet there. Instead some lady named Cheryl in Lakeland, Florida won it and now she's going to be drinking all my yummy wine. I hate Cheryl.

I've won just two contests so far in my life. When I was in the second grade I won a plastic set of golf clubs that made me pee in my pants with happiness. And about fifteen years ago, I won a Timex Indiglo watch, though that had less to do with chance than the inspiring essay I wrote about how as an insomniac, I would die without my Indiglo. It would have brought a tear to your eye, man.

You'd think I'd lose hope, after entering all those contests and receiving so little reward. Not that those golf clubs weren't The Best Ever. But I don't give up, I never give up. Every day, I get back on that horse and enter a new contest because every day—any day—could be my lucky day. So this morning, for example, I entered a contest for an awesome product called SelectAFlush, which is a nifty doohickey that will retrofit my existing water-hog of a toilet into a dual flush wonder that will save thousands of gallons of water a year! As I understand it, the SelectAFlush allows me to choose just how big a flush I need every time I, you know, visit the library. I'm not at all clear if I have to actually touch something every time I make this choice. Ew. Still, this baby is American made and I can install it myself!

I figure winning the SelectAFlush will allow me to postpone my plan to install an anaerobic digester in the backyard so my family will get their keisters off the couch and take care of their business in the Great Outdoors. I've been saving up for the digester by charging for toilet paper. You know how those Englishers have to drop a shilling in the meter for a half hour of heat? They usually just put on another sweater. I promise, when your gang is paying a nickel a square, their days of clogging up the loo with wads of Charmin are over.

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky about this SelectAFlush. Fingers crossed for me!