my CSI flashlight

A few nights ago, we woke up in the middle of the night to discover that our power was off. Normally no big deal but it's 17 degrees out and you don't want your pipes bursting while you're waiting for the ConEd guys keeping the seats warm at Dunkin Donuts to figure out that the power is down for five square miles, you know?

So I got out the awesome CSI flashlight Santa gave me for Christmas, found my cellphone, and called the electric company. As promised, a truck was there in 20 minutes and the power was back on within a couple of hours. Before I went back to sleep, I took back my mean thoughts about the ConEd guys goldbricking at Dunkin Donuts.

In the morning, I saw that the utility pole at the end of our driveway had been broken just about in half by a wayward dark green Acura. This I knew because my handy CSI flashlight (which we all know solves crimes best in broad daylight) revealed the various telltale car parts the driver had left behind in his hurry not to be arrested by the cops who NEVER patrol our neighborhood looking for those fun-loving kids who spend every Friday night knocking over mailboxes with a baseball bat. Of which the driver of this dark green Acura was one, I easily ascertained with a quick look up and down my street. More than half of the mailboxes were dangling from their posts like a first-grader's loose tooth.

Well, well, the little turd had missed my mailbox and destroyed his car. Yeehaw, surburban justice! I mean, gee, I hope he's okay. Of course, the taxpayers or ConEd or, more likely, little ole me gets stuck paying to replace that handsome utility pole. Still, I like to think of this as a little lesson his mommy and daddy forgot to teach him. Tee-hee.

Anyway, back to my neat flashlight. Sometimes, to conserve electricity, I like to watch CSI in the dark. With those kickass flashlights they're all carrying and those glowy forensic substances they use to find fingerprints and blood and other Vegas-style bodily fluids, it's like sitting in front of a cozy fire—who needs lights! It makes me want to put on my fuzzy slippers and make a nice cup of hot cocoa. When I'm feeling extra conservy, I carry around my CSI flashlight 24/7 so I only have to switch on the lights when I can't find the TV clicker! And playing a friendly game of flashlight tag with a CSI-style weapon? Shock and awe, baby, shock and awe.

To get one for yourself, go to www.csiflashlights.com. You can also get a professional grade crime scene investigation kit for a cool $4895. Sweet.